 There are three externally directed parenting no-no's belonging to this type of domination: pressuring children to conform, comparing them with others, and using labeling and global assessments. Let's take a peek at each:
Pressure to Submission
We often don’t pay attention to the needs of child like an individuality just making him or her as other children, in order to preserve mass opinion. We insist they wear designer clothes; we buy them whatever the latest fashion is and so on.
Here are some examples of the statements we make to pressure our children to obey:
"You can't go out like that; it’s a horrible look!"
"You can't wear this skirt! These colors would never suit you."
We must accept their being different, creative, and expressive in ways that are not common practice. Otherwise, we're just thinking and making choices for them, living lives instead of them. The nature of their individuality drives them to make all future decisions through external direction by using other outside influences to ensure conformity.
Comparing Them to Others
Some parents think that comparing their children to other, good ones, is justified method of reaching the perfect child image. Look at the example:
"Why can't you be like the other kids and try out for the soccer team?
"I heard your classmates all got the top grades. I see for you its impossible to study like that!"
These comparisons irritate or discourage children; they feel badly natured and “wrong”. By comparing them to others, parents are just letting them know that they're not all we'd hoped for. Eventually, they grow evaluating themselves all the time and looking back on what would people say. They learn to rely on external measures such as the opinions of others to assess themselves, personally.
It’s more useful to compare children with themselves in some past occasions, rather than to other people. That way, they can figure out what changes, if any, they should make in themselves. When they learn to use themselves as measuring items, they will be able the correct their behavior and manners to already existing or existed in them examples.
Labels and Generalizations
Both of these control strategies force our children into thinking of themselves in within the limits we have created for them. It's unimportant whether these observations are accurate or not. We consider ourselves wiser so they should obey all the time! Here are some examples of each:
"Drop it, you will never teach how to ride a bicycle, it’s not your vocation."
"You're the brains of the family."
Generalizations:
"You always lose everything! How haven’t you lost the love to your mum yet?!"
"You're always idling. Keep up!"
"You never get anything right."
Broad generalizations usually contain words like "never", “ever”, "always”, and “constantly”. It makes them think that these attributes are so sweeping that they pervade their every thought and action. In fact, it even retains them from going through the trouble of looking within to figure out who they really are.
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