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| Straight Instructions |
Despite all of the preceding tactics indirectly transform the thought processes of our children; straight instruction makes it even more abrupt and forcing. Typical examples are remarks like:
"You should be ashamed! Your sister has passed this exam with no problem!"
In such statement, we directly tell our children what they must think. After a while, they stop using their own thoughts to decide what to think or how to feel. They may completely copy what they hear and behave accordingly. Better ways of making the above statements include:
"Oh, you have worked so much over this problem! You have really deserved it!?"
As you can see, these examples all encourage children to use their reasoning skills to come up with their own assessment and solution, and this phrasing in no way forces them to accept an opinion or judgment that's not theirs.
Over-Controlling
To ensure the creation of the consummate false self, we often use compulsory techniques like directing, physical punishment, and threats and ultimatums.
In directing, we tell our children how to make out all their steps and their living. Here are some good and bad examples:
"Don't forget your bag" instead of "oh, I am sure you will again forget your bag!”
"You need to wear a coat if its cold outside" instead of "going outside without a coat is craziness!"
"Put your jacket on!" instead of "won’t you put on your jacket again?"
Of course it’s always easier to tell our children directly what to do, where to go and how to think, but try using informative reasoning, substantiation and advising. Give your children make decisions by themselves, even if they will be wrong.
Physical punishment also does much to discourage self-direction. Many parents feel that beating is vital to obey the obedience, while others, drowning in the pressures of the day, simply lose control and, in the heat of the moment, fail to see an alternative. Either approach has two bad effects. First, it teaches our children that violence is an acceptable solution to many of their conflicts. Second, it tells children that they are subordinate beings who need to be dominated and oppressed.
Threats and ultimatums are powerful parental tools of control. Here are some examples:
"If you don't get to bed now you will be deprived of computer games for a month!"
"This is the last time I'm warning you. If your grades don't improve next term, I will punish you with…"
All these don’t give children reasoning, they are to directly follow our advice. They react out of fear rather than reason. When we're guiding and disciplining our children, we need to be sure that we're leaving them room to think. To be self-directed, they'll have to come up with their own motives for behaving, thinking, and feeling a certain way.
Rescuing
In many life situations our parents take the leading role on themselves and try to make children escape most of the daily routine problems, defend them and deprive of bad consequences of their deeds.
We do it because we are afraid to be bad parents, we don't want to be inconvenienced, we can't bear to see them suffer, or we want to avoid conflict. But since it permits them to bypass the reasoning process, it further encourages them to hide behind a false identity. These children grow to believe that there are no safe and reliable answers to be found from within, because they were never given a chance to look there in the first place.
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